The Secrets We Keep
by SparkleInTheSun
Summary: Nobody knows anything about Jennifer Jareau's childhood,not until they are all sent on a case in JJ's hometown. Will they find out the dark secrets of her past? Will she ever tell of her mothers cruelty? Need your help with the pairing, thank you! D
1. Memories

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, as much as I wished I did.

When a case brings up JJ's childhood, what will the team find out about her?

Was her childhood a lot darker than any of them could ever imagine?

~ I would also like it if you could review and tell me which couple you would like to see in this fiction! It's up to you guys! ~

JJ/Reid

JJ/Morgan

Or

JJ/Hotch

~ Thank you for any input! ~

Chapter One

'Memories'

JJ closed her eyes as she listened to the voice on the other end of the phone, she didn't know whether to be relieved or to cry. She had no idea what the reaction should be to the death of someone who abused you for so many years should be. Now that she was dead should she see her as the mother she had always wished she had been? Or should she carry on seeing her as the woman who had caused so much pain throughout her childhood?

She finally hung up and sighed, wondering if the team should be involved or not. Knowing it was wrong to not tell them as their help was asked, but at the same time knowing she couldn't look them in the eye ever again if they knew exactly what growing up in the Jareau household was like.

"Hotch, I was wondering if we could take this case." She slammed down the file on his desk, her arms wrapped protectively around herself as he read.

"She's my mom..." She finally said as he looked up at her confused, trying to make the connection with the second name. He nodded,

"There have been other murders similar before hers, another six people."

"Did you know all of them?" JJ nodded slowly, thinking about who the Unsub could possibly be – someone she may have known, or maybe someone who moved into the town shortly after she left.

"Are you okay?" He looked up at her tear-less face, concerned for the lack of emotion she appeared to show on the surface. She nodded,

"My mother and I didn't really get along.."

"What do you mean?" He could sense the hesitant tone in her voice, wondering what exactly happened to JJ when she was younger. Finding it strange that in the three years he had known the woman she hadn't told him anything about anyone from her family.

"Like any other daughter and their mother I guess, we didn't see eye to eye. She was deeply religious, I wasn't. She didn't like that..." She shrugged it off, but Hotch knew there was more.

"Did she ever hurt you?" JJ glared at him,

"What has this got to do with the case? Are we taking it or not?" Hotch was surprised at the flare of anger that appeared in the usually calm woman, he nodded,

"Are you okay to take it?" She nodded,

"Lets just catch him." Hotch nodded, shaking off the feeling that there was a lot more to Jennifer Jareau than he could ever know. He followed her out of his office to brief the team before heading off to the small town in which JJ had grown up.


	2. Nightmares

Disclaimer: See last chapter!

Chapter Two

'Nightmares'

The flight there was long, the briefing only short. The team spent most of their time making jokes, watching JJ as she fell asleep. Emily bit her lip with worry when she saw the blonde groan in her sleep, her voice barely a mumble. Reid, Morgan and Hotch looked up from their card game when they heard the groan, none of them knowing exactly what to do.

"Should we wake her up?" Morgan shook his head,

"No, let her sleep. Her mom just died, she is bound to have some sort of nightmare about how it happened." Reid nodded and glanced once more at the woman before going back to playing cards,

_JJ looked at herself in the mirror, grinning at her four year old self as she applied some of her moms makeup to her pale cheeks. She ran downstairs gleefully, proud of what she had done, hoping her mommy would feel the same once she saw her daughter. _

"_Mommy, don't I look pretty?" She said as she twirled around, looking at her mother when she stopped – confused by the anger on her face. _

"_What have you done? How dare you touch my stuff! I have told you about this before Jennifer!" She grabbed a wet cloth and rubbed it harshly onto JJ's cheek, ignoring the tears that ran down her big, blue eyes. _

"_I am going to have to teach you a lesson." JJ looked down at the floor, crying when her mother grabbed her arm roughly, dragging her towards the broom cupboard by the front door. _

"_You have to stay very still and quiet in here, otherwise the rats and spiders will get you." Her mother grinned evilly at her shaking daughter, pushing her into the small, dark cupboard and slamming the door. JJ looked around, sitting down in the middle, curling up in a ball and trying to stop the tears falling down her face. She sobbed as she felt that familiar trickle run down her legs as she wet herself – again. _

_It wasn't long until the little girl became hysterical, she banged on the door, screaming as loud as the could. Hot tears fell down her face, she took a large step back once she heard someone come towards the door. She smiled up at her mother, lifting up her arms, waiting for the hug she had seen so many other mothers give their children. Instead she received a slap across the face, sending her head to the side and more tears falling down her face. _

"_Shut up devil child!" JJ looked up at her, her large eyes filled with fear as she saw the door slam once more. She stood still for the rest of her time in the small cupboard, looking at the door, waiting for it to open again. Listening out for the sound of her mothers footsteps coming down the hallway. _

_Finally after eight hours, and exactly half an hour before their dad got home – she was pulled out, wincing a little as the light found her eyes. _

JJ woke up suddenly, lurching forward, in shock at the nightmare she hadn't had for over five years. She knew that the little girl in her nightmare would soon get used to the feeling of being alone in that dark cupboard, she would soon give up the screaming, she would soon realize not long after that first time that nobody cared, nobody would come.

"JJ are you okay?" Emily sat next to the shaking woman, noticing the fear and confusion in her eyes before she put her press face on and smiled at her.

"Yeah just a silly nightmare. I am fine."

"Okay, I am always here to talk about it when you want to." JJ nodded,

"It's fine really, just a stupid nightmare." She sighed as she turned the other way, trying not to think about anything that had happened after that first punishment. She remembered all the times after that, it carried on until she had announced she wasn't scared of the rats in the room anymore and she wasn't scared of the dark – she had been lying of course, but her older brother, Jasper, had told her it would work. If mom thought she was no longer scared of it, then it would no longer be a punishment. It had worked, but there were always other ways of punishing someone.

JJ smiled a little as she thought back to all the times she had been sitting in that cupboard, all alone and scared, but then Jasper would sneak down from his bedroom and talk to her until he was caught. They would talk about everything and anything, with only a year between the two they were close, and as they weren't allowed any outside contact with people their own age, they only had each other. She laughed a little, cursing herself when she realized everyone was staring at her,

"What's so funny?" Reid finally asked after a few moments of silence, JJ shrugged, wondering if she should tell them the real thing she found funny, or make something up, she sighed, it couldn't do any harm.

"I was just thinking about how close me and my brother was back then." She grinned at them,

"I didn't even know you had a brother." Morgan looked at her, the concern for his friend evident in his eyes, JJ nodded and looked down at her hands,

"We were best friends, mom didn't let us go out much so we really only had each other." She laughed again and looked at them,

"When I was four, and he was five we decided that we were going to get married when we were older, and live in a big house all on our own, and we would live happily ever after." She looked out of the window, a sad smile creeping onto her face,

"What happened?" Emily asked her, putting a hand lightly on top of JJ's. JJ looked at her and shook her head,

"We grew up and realized that was illegal." She laughed again, trying to lighten the tone on the plane. The men just laughed at her and went back to their card game, trying to forget about the scream they had heard from JJ during her nightmare.


	3. Fear

Disclaimer: I own Jasper (Named after the most amazing vampire in the world, did you see him in season four of Criminal Minds?! The best episode ever!)

He is mine.

All mine.

I don't own anyone else, as much as I like to think I do.

Chapter Three

'Fear'

"JJ are you sure you're up to this?" JJ looked up at Hotch, nodding as he drove towards her family home.

"You don't have to pretend for us, we don't mind if you want to cry or something." Emily put her hand on top of JJ's, trying to offer some comfort for the strangely unemotional woman,

"Look, I told you all before, me and my mom weren't close. I know I should be sad, and I am but I would rather focus on catching the person who did this okay?" They all nodded, glancing at her every now and again as they drove to the house she had grown up in.

~ .. ~

"You grew up here?" Reid looked up at the large house, his mouth slightly open as he took in the beautiful, massive manor house in front of them. JJ nodded, she hadn't seen her family home for nearly ten years and it still scared her. She bit her lip nervously and started to walk down the path towards the bright red door of the house that she still had nightmares about.

"Jenny!" JJ smiled shyly at her dad as he opened the door to the team, he wrapped his arms around her.

"Hey daddy." She whispered,wrapping her own arms around the man she had adored so much but hadn't seen in so long.

"Come in please." He stepped back, opening the door wider for all of them to go through, Emily looked around the house in amazement, taking in the beauty and large detail of everything that was placed in the house.

"This is a beautiful home you have here." Hotch finally spoke up, looking the older man in the eye, trying to profile him – wondering if he was the cause of JJ's nightmares.

They all took in their surroundings, marveling at the spotless house.

"Is it okay if we have a look around?" Reid finally asked, wanting to ask where the body had been found, but not sure how to word it. The man nodded,

"My wife was found in the master bedroom, it's the first bedroom on your right as you go up the stairs." Reid nodded, thanking him as he walked off, Emily not too far behind him.

Upstairs there were five bedrooms, Emily walked into one of the other bedrooms. She smiled at the design of the bedroom – It looked exactly like the princess bedroom she had always wanted when she was younger – She walked in, lightly touching the bright pink J's on the door. Reid followed her in, smiling a little as he saw the room JJ had grown up in.

"It's amazing," Emily looked at the pink curtains, matching the bed covers and the carpet with a light pattern of flowers fading onto the silk. She walked over to the small, baby pink dressing table, her fingers dancing along the dust covered surface.

"I always loved this room." She heard from behind her, JJ was standing there with her arms folded over her chest, smiling at her childhood bedroom.

"Dad decorated it when I was younger, it had taken him so long to do that we never changed it." She walked over to the queen sized bed, sitting on it lightly,

"I was scared of the dark." She looked up at Reid, and the pointed up at a butterfly shaped light in the corner of the bedroom,

"That would go on in the night, I remember laying her smiling up at the butterfly shapes it had made on my ceiling. When dad wasn't here, mum would turn it off and make me lay here in the dark crying." She shrugged it off, pretending she didn't care.

"Where all the toys?" Reid looked around, opening a cupboard. JJ laughed and got up from the bed,

"Mum didn't believe in stuff like that, bedrooms were for sleeping and sleeping only. This floor was out of bounds during the daytime, we didn't need toys or anything else up here because of that." She looked down at the floor,

"Did you find the master bedroom?" Reid shook his head,

"I followed Emily..." JJ nodded and walked out, leading them towards the bedroom across the hallway from her, she opened the door and looked at the bedroom she had been banned from until now. She frowned at the blood stain on the carpet, knowing her mother would be down on her hands and knees scrubbing that until it was gone if she was still alive.

"I should go back down, dad was a little upset." She smiled lightly at them as she brushed past them, quickly walking back down the stairs.

"It must be hard for her..." Reid finally said after a few moments of silence as they both looked around the bedroom,

"I know, how can her dad still live here?" She shuddered at the thought,

"Maybe they weren't close, look at the photographs on the wall." He pointed towards a small framed photograph of the couple – neither were smiling, and their hands lay stiffly on top of each other's. Emily nodded,

"Why did they stay together then?"

"Strict catholics," He pointed towards the large picture of 'Jesus' hanging above the bed and then at a cross hanging from the mirror. Emily nodded,

"Good reason." She muttered, rolling her eyes and looking around again.

"Do you think she knew him?" She asked, Reid nodded,

"They were in the bedroom, there are no signs of a struggle." He moved over to where the blood stain was on the white carpet,

"He shot her here, and then picked her up and carried her over to the bed... But why?"

"Maybe he felt guilty after he had done it,"

"But he has killed before and done the same with the other bodies."

"Maybe it's his way of asking god to forgive him for what he has done, by placing them as though they are sleeping it's as though he is laying them to rest." Emily shrugged, moving out of the bedroom to look at the other rooms in the house.

"We should go and see if there were signs of a break in." Reid nodded, taking one more look at the room before following her out of the bedroom.

~ .. ~

"Where were you during the time of your wifes death?" Hotch looked at the man in front of him, and then towards his daughter who sat next to him, she bit her lip and looked down at the floor knowing what Hotch was thinking,

"I was playing golf with a number of my friends and colleagues, I can get their names for you if you would like to contact them?" Morgan nodded, sliding over a piece of paper and a pen,

"I had no reason to kill my wife, we were happily married.." Hotch looked up as JJ laughed at the comment,

"What?" He looked at her, confusion evident in his eyes and she shook her head,

"They were never happy, even when I was younger. He would spent increasingly large amounts of time out of the house just to get away from her." She looked over at her dad who nodded, tears forming in his eyes,

"I still loved her, she was a hard woman to cope with sometimes."

"She never loved you." JJ muttered as she stood up and walked over to the door,

"We should be going now." Morgan got the hint from JJ as he walked out after her, calling up to Reid and Emily.

JJ closed her eyes as she waited for her friends at the door, thinking about all the times she had come so close to running away from this house, running away from all the memories it held within it's walls.

"_Where do you think you're going?" JJ dropped the bag she held in her hands and turned around, looking down at the ground, _

"_Nowhere, I just wanted to go for a walk." She gulped, and looked at the woman standing in front of her, her eyes wide with fear as she was suddenly yanked forward by the woman she was supposed to call mom, the woman who was supposed to love her,_

"_You're going to be punished for this you little brat! I give you everything! A roof over your head, food on the table, and this is how you repay me. Think again!" JJ cried out in pain as she was chucked onto the cold floor of the garage, her exposed knees cut and bruised from the impact. She felt her mothers eyes on her, she refused to look up at her and let a few tears fall down her face when she thought she was alone. _

"_Get up!" She obeyed quickly, too scared to say or do anything else, _

"_Bend over and lift your top up!" JJ's eyes brimmed with tears as she did what she was told, knowing what was coming, screaming in pain as the belt made contact with her exposed skin. She carried on, ignoring the tears running down her daughters face, holding her hair as tight as __she could to make sure she didn't escape or collapse. JJ bit her lip in pain when she finally stopped, she could feel the darkness overtaking her already as she collapsed down onto the ground. _

JJ opened her eyes again to find Hotch standing in front of her, she noticed the tears falling down her face and quickly wiped them away.

"Are you okay?" He asked kindly, putting a hand on her shoulder in a way of comfort, she nodded quickly – too quickly and opened the door. Knowing that this time she could escape, knowing that the woman who had hurt her in more ways than one for so many years was finally gone.

JJ fought the urge to breakdown in front of her friends right there and then, deciding it was better left when she was all alone. Hotch looked at the rest of the team members who all shrugged their shoulders, all knowing a lot more went on in this house than JJ was letting on. And they were going to find out exactly what was causing the usually calm agent to shake in fear, scream in pain and cry at memories that seemed to haunt her since the beginning of the case.

~ .. ~

A/N Thank you for all your reviews, there is still time to decide who JJ will be coupled with! Although at the moment, JJ/Hotch is winning :)

Thanks for reading!


	4. Ugly

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except those who never have existed within Criminal Minds =D

They are all mine.

Chapter Four

JJ sighed as she lay down on the bed in the hotel room, refusing to look at Emily who lay across from her. She frowned at herself, trying to focus on the case at hand and not her own personal connection to the woman she hated so much.

"I never got to ask her why she hated me so much." She finally said to Emily after what seemed like hours of silence, Emily looked up from the case file and over at JJ.

"She didn't hate you JJ, she loved you. She was your mother." She smiled, wondering why someone could possibly believe their own mother hated them.

"You don't understand, my mother was never meant to have children." She sighed, laying on her side and looking at Emily, glad she could actually talk to someone about something that happened to her while she was a child – of course she would never tell of the horrible things that happened to her, she would only tell to a certain extent.

Emily waited for JJ to carry on before saying anything, knowing her friend had to get something off her chest.

"Her motherly instincts were non-existent. She loathed my brother and I so much, more so me, and I never understood why... it always seemed like religion, my dad, beauty and social gatherings were more important to her than I ever was.." She sighed, refusing to cry about it, it was all in the past and now the woman who had caused her so much pain was gone.

"I am sure it was never like that JJ, you know children can exaggerate sometimes.." Emily bit her lip, not sure what to do or say until JJ actually told her more.

"It wasn't like that, she was a cruel woman, I grew up adoring her until one day I realized what a horrible person she was, and then I spent the rest of my life – or her life – hating her so much."

"What happened?" JJ shook her head and looked down at her hands,

"My mother was beautiful, she was a model when she was much younger until she met my dad. She knew exactly how beautiful she was, and she would never deny it, it only made me feel so much worse growing up with her. She would constantly make me look in her mirror, pinching my chubby cheeks, and telling me how ugly I was.... am." JJ could feel the tears stinging her eyes as she thought back to those times when she would stand in the mirror, her mothers words always ringing in her ears, never giving her any peace. How she ignored that voice growing up she would never know.

_Ten year old JJ looked up at her mom, watching as she carefully applied her lipstick, pouting as she looked into her mirror. She watched with awe as she saw her already beautiful mother transforming into something more, something a lot more pretty than the previous woman. _

"_Can I have some on mommy?"She finally asked, picking up the dark red lipstick, looking at it and then at her mom eagerly. Her mom shook her head, laughing at her, then snatching the lipstick off her small daughter and turning her chair around to stare at her. _

"_You're an ugly child." She glared at her, pinching her cheeks, _

"_Maybe a little makeup would change that mommy, please?" JJ looked down at the floor, tears running down her cheeks as her mothers words rang through her brain, replaying over and over again, adding to the other times she had said exactly the same and worse to her. _

"_No amount of makeup is going to change that Jennifer, it's time you realized that. You're very ugly, and no matter what you do you're never going to look like me." She laughed again, turning back towards the mirror to admire herself. Ignoring the tears running down her daughters face as she walked off to search for her husband. _

_JJ looked at herself in the mirror, wiping away the tears and just staring at her face, shaking her head as she touched her cheeks, marks still left behind from her mother just moments ago. _

"_You're ugly." She reminded herself, turning away quickly and running after her mother._

JJ shook herself out of the memory, realizing Emily was staring at her as tears ran down her pale cheeks. She could see the shock on Emily's face,

"But you're beautiful, that's one of the first things I thought when I saw you... You know that now don't you?" JJ shrugged, turning away from her for a moment, sighing and closing her eyes as she tried to get her mothers words out of her mind.

"She would laugh at me when I tried to tell myself otherwise, when you grow up with those words constantly being hammered into your head you start to believe it. She would tell me I would never get a husband no matter how hard I tried, I could never be a model like she was. I would sit there with her as she put on her makeup for parties or something, and she would make me look into the mirror, telling me exactly how ugly and fat I was. I grew up telling myself the same thing every single day." JJ laughed a sad laugh before turning back to Emily, who had moved off her bed and was walking over to JJ's, finally putting her arm around the now shaking woman. JJ was ashamed of her admittance as she looked down at her hands in her lap, refusing to look Emily in the eye, worried about what she was thinking of her now. Worried about what they would all think about her once they found out the truth about the dead woman. She could feel her whole body shaking as she thought about her, she was still scared of her after all these years and she couldn't understand why. She was gone, she tried reminding herself, she is never going to get to you again. But nothing seemed to work, the hot tears ran down her face before she finally wrapped her own arms around Emily and let herself cry on her shoulder. Emily just sat there, whispering comforting words in her ears, wishing she could make everything better, wishing she could understand what exactly happened to JJ to make her so afraid of her mom, so scared of that house. She told herself that night as JJ finally let herself fall asleep, that she would find out no matter what.


	5. Jasper

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Criminal Minds, well I do in my imagination.

Chapter Five

JJ stepped slowly into her childhood home as Hotch and Emily followed her in. She hated being here, everything was so full of ugly memories. She would look around and think, 'She tried to hit me with that once', 'She locked me in that many times before.' Every memory hurt her more and more and she could feel her secrets slowly coming out.

"I was just looking through the photo album, you were such an unhappy child." JJ's dad looked up at them, tears running down his face once they walked into the room, he held the photo album they had kept throughout her and Jasper's childhood. She didn't say anything but could feel Emily's eyes on her as he spoke,

"I never understood why..." He whispered, shaking his head as he continued to flick through the pages of the album, JJ took a deep breath, resisting the urge to shout at him, telling him he did know why but he couldn't bring himself to believe the tiny little girl as she wrapped her arms around his neck and cried into his strong chest, telling him exactly what her mummy had done to her that day, he always chose her over JJ. JJ was a liar, she had an over-active imagination, she was always wrong.

Even JJ gave up hope of someone believing her in the end, knowing they would take one look at her beautiful mother and her perfectly explained stories for any bruises, cuts, burns, broken or cracked bones.. anything she did to her, there was always an explanation other than the truth.

Emily watched JJ bite her lip, and shook her head, knowing JJ would hate her for doing this,

"Your wife.. what was she like with JJ and her brother when they were children?" She could see JJ visibly shaken by the question as she turned around and walked over towards the other side of the room, her arms remaining wrapped around herself.

"What do you mean?" He looked over at her, confusion in his eyes, his grip tightening on the photograph album.

"Was she nice? A good mother?" She moved a bit closer to him, trying to get into the victims head, who she made enemies with.

"What have you been saying about your dead mother?" He snapped his head towards his daughter who shook her head, her voice trembled as she spoke,

"Nothing... I haven't." Hotch was surprised by the usually strong agent's reaction as he saw what was going on, wondering what JJ had told Emily.

"She is a liar!" He got up, dropping the photo album,

"She used to tell little stories when she was younger, I thought she stopped it!" JJ didn't say anything, instead walking closer to the front door, standing next to Hotch as though she wanted him to protect her.

"Didn't you ever think that maybe she was telling the truth?" Emily almost whispered, wondering if JJ's dad had ever hurt her as well,

"No! My wife was a good mother, she just didn't keep a good eye on Jennifer! She made it hard to look after her, always wandering off, always clumsy... She wouldn't have hurt her." He looked at his daughter, and then back at the photograph album,

"What has this got to do with my wife's murder?" He finally said after a moment of silence in the room,

"We need to know, just in case.." He nodded, and picked the album back up, handing it to Emily,

"I used to get home from work and almost every single day JJ or Jasper, sometimes both of them, would have a whole new injury. Sometimes it even ended in a hospital trip. When JJ was a lot younger, when she didn't understand what was going on, she would tell me her mummy did it and I wouldn't listen to her... I should have." Tears ran down his face as Emily sat down, the album in her hands. JJ didn't move, watching Hotch walk over to the photo album.

The first few photographs was of the years with Jasper on his own, there was only a two year difference between the two, and there didn't seem to be any problems with him during those years – A photograph of him with his mother showed him smiling, almost angelic looking with his light blonde hair, bright blue eyes with his mother holding him on her lap, smiling lightly at the camera.

The photographs over the years change, one of the first of JJ with her mother is of her sitting on her lap, red faced, tears running down her pale face, her blonde hair matted and short. The woman in the photograph holding her is glaring at the camera, hating to be there with the screaming baby, wishing she was somewhere else in that moment.

Emily almost gasped at the few photographs when JJ must have been about six years old, her hands wrapped in large bandages, a black eye, a large burn on her face, broken arm, broken legs, cut lips. So many injuries, worsening over the years, until finally there were no photographs after the age of fifteen. She looked from JJ to Hotch and then back at the crying man in front of her,

"What happened after fifteen?"

"I was in a coma for a while, and when I was better, I moved out and never saw her again. My grandparents took me in, I stayed with them until university." JJ moved a bit closer to them, scared that know that they knew, they would hate her.

"I should have stopped her, I should have taken the children and left her but I loved her so much, and even if I wanted to I couldn't have divorced her. I would have been disowned by my parents, and she by hers." He looked down at the floor,

"Where is Jasper now?" Hotch said, JJ looking up as she realized what they both thought, why it was so important for them to know about the abuse,

"No! No way! He didn't do this, any of it! Don't try to blame this on him, he's my big brother, he wouldn't..." JJ finally felt the tears run down her face she had been trying to hold back, watching her dad carefully as he opened his eyes,

"No! Don't tell them." She stepped away from them, her arms tightening around her body, suddenly feeling like she couldn't trust anyone.

"I don't know where he is anyway." He shook his head, looking disappointed,

"He moved out not long after Jennifer, I haven't heard from him since then..." JJ looked relieved, shaking her head at her two friends as they looked at her,

"Don't think I am telling you..." She laughed for a moment, her brother was her best friend and she wasn't about to let her friends take him away from her.

"JJ you know we will find out." She flicked open her phone quickly,

"Good luck with that.." She whispered, rolling her eyes as she walked out of the room, whispering into the phone, quickly hanging up before Garcia would be able to trace it.

Hotch got out his phone at the same time, knowing it would be pointless asking Garcia to trace the phone call because JJ would have known what he would do. He tried anyway, just for the hope. Asking Garcia to find Jasper Jareau no matter what it took.


	6. Protection

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Criminal Minds, but we can all dream!

Chapter Six

JJ walked out of the house, fresh tears falling down her face as she quickly spoke to Jasper, making sure he knew what was going on, telling him to meet her that night when she could get rid of everyone.

She couldn't believe they thought it was him and she wasn't about to let them get to him, she wouldn't have the last person she counted as family go, she wouldn't let the man who protected her for so long as best he could be called a murderer, she didn't care if he had done it or not.

As she walked away she regretted sending the team to the murders in this small town she had grown up in, she knew every single one of the victims which was why she felt drawn to it but she had no idea that it would be her brother – the one she loved so much – to be the first suspect on their list. She couldn't handle it if he left her too, if he was taken away from her she would have no idea what to do with her life. He was her big brother, she would be dead if it wasn't for him.

She closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears falling down her face as she thought about her brother, her amazing big brother who tried so hard to make sure their mother didn't hurt her as much, always trying to get in the way to make sure she was okay.

_JJ screamed loudly in pain as she fell over, landing awkwardly on the concrete in her large garden, she noticed two people running to her through the tears falling from her eyes, then a hand grab her roughly by her arm. It only made her scream in even more pain, receiving a slap from the woman she called her mother because of it, she sniffed a little and tried to ignore the pain of her throbbing elbow and knee – she was only six years old but she already knew pain worse than that, she already knew the consequences of disobeying her mother. _

_She looked over at her brother as her mother looked at her injuries, wiping them with a wet towel her brother had rushed to get, she jumped a little at the touch but eventually relaxed, wondering if her mum had finally found the maternal instincts JJ and Jasper had craved for, knowing she was wrong when her mum laughed loudly. _

"_Hurts doesn't it?" She smiled evilly at the small, crying girl,wiping at the wound harder, watching as she squealed in pain, looking as though she was taking a lot of pleasure in it. _

"_Get used to it Jennifer, this is going to be your life from now on. You will know how I feel every single day, the pain, the hurt. It hurts me to just look at such a hideous little girl!" She snapped, walking off and leaving JJ alone on the ground, _

"_Jenny, don't listen to her okay? I am going to be an amazing husband to you, I won't let anyone hurt you! I will treat you right because I love you more than anyone else in the whole world. You will never have to get used to any pain, as soon as we get out of here you will only see and feel love. I know it." He whispered to her, gabbing the towel their mum had dropped, gently wiping at the wounds before wrapping his arms around the girl, kissing her gently on the cheek. _

"_I love you Jenny." _

"_I love you too Jazz." She hugged him back, ignoring the glare from her mother in the kitchen window as she closed her eyes, letting the tears fall. _

JJ smiled a little at the memory, their small, child minds actually believed they could get married. She shook her head, gripping her phone tightly wanting to speak to him but knowing Hotch probably had a trace on it already.

She was relieved once she reached the hotel they were staying in, quickly making her way to her bedroom, laying on the bed and closing her eyes. Suddenly exhausted from the day so far, not sure who to pick – The team or her brother?

"_Which one of you dropped it?!" The woman looked down at her two children, both stood up straight, fear evident in their faces as they both shook their heads. There was a crisp one of them had dropped on the floor in her hands as she shook her head at both of them._

"_I am going to ask God which one of you did this and when I come back, you will be punished!" They both watched as she walked into the room their parents used for prayer, looking at each other and shrugging – neither of them genuinely knew who had dropped it, neither of them wanted the other to get the blame though._

"_You!" Their mother walked out after five minutes, pointing at the seven year old girl, she was already shaking as her mum reached out for the large stick that was often used to beat the two of them. _

_  
"You will be punished!" _

"_No mummy! I didn't do it! Please!" JJ cried, her hand in her brothers as the woman walked towards them, _

"_So God is a liar now?!"_

"_No mummy," She looked down at the floor as tears fell from her eyes, hitting the carpeted floor, she heard the familiar sound of the stick as it was brought upwards, ready to smack her one, _

"_No!" Jasper shouted, pushing her out of the way, taking the blow for himself, _

"_It was me, okay? I am sorry, I did it." Jasper looked his mum straight in the eye, looking behind him at his sister and winking. She watched as the stick was brought down on him once more, crying as he screamed in pain over and over again. She loved him even more then, she knew it must have been her, he was always so careful. She loved the way he looked up at her, telling her everything was going to be okay, it would all be over soon. _

She woke up, staring at Emily sitting on the bed across from her as she wiped away at her wet cheeks, still shaking from the nightmare.

"You okay?" Emily finally said, watching JJ get out of bed and walk to the bathroom, nodding before walking off,

"We need to speak to Jasper."

"Find him yourself, I won't be responsible for my brother being put away."

"But you will be responsible for him killing someone else?" Emily questioned her,

"Look, he is my only brother, the only family I have left that I actually love and get on with. I don't care if he is the one who murdered those people, he did it to protect us, don't you see?"

"What did Mrs Lewis ever do to you?" Emily shook her head,

"She was a mother, a grandmother, a wife, a good person!" She stood up, standing right in front of JJ,

"She used to live next to us, she would hear our screams and she would ignore them! She even saw her beat us once, and do you know what she did? Told my mother that she was using the wrong end of the belt! Not, you shouldn't be hitting them like that, no, just a small warning about the buckle end of the belt. So no, she is not a good woman in our eyes." JJ shook her head, tears dripping down her face at the memory,

"JJ, you can't blame everyone for what your mother did to you. What about Jane Mathews?"

"She deserved to die." She whispered, looking down at the floor,

"I am glad she did..."

"What?" Emily couldn't believe what she was hearing,

"She was an alcoholic, she used to be best friends with my _mother,_" she spat out the word, hating her just like she always did,

"She would come over the house, giving her new tips on how to beat us better, what to do. I used to love the making us both stand outside in the pond butt naked all night one! Or maybe the freezing cold baths, or maybe the pouring boiling hot water all over my body! That was a great one!" Her voice dripped with the sarcasm Emily had never heard in her voice,

"JJ..."

"Don't JJ me! I am going for a walk." She walked out of the door, realizing the time, hoping nobody would follow her.

~ .. ~

JJ smiled at the man in front of her, wrapping her arms around him as he grinned at his little sister.

"I missed you!" He whispered to her, his eyes closing as tears dripped down them,

"It's only been a week!" She laughed at him, pulling away from him to wipe away his tears,

"They think you did it Jazz..." She finally said, he nodded as though he was expecting it,

"I thought it wouldn't take them long..." He sighed,

"Did you?"

"Would you hate me if I did?"

"No, I could never hate you..." She smiled at him,

"I am so sorry..."

"It's okay... really. It's all going to be okay." She grinned at him, shocked when he bent down and kissed her on the lips, smelling the alcohol on his breath as she gasped and pulled back.

"What is wrong with you? I am your sister!"

"But you said we can get married and have children of our own, remember?"

"When I was six, yes!" She shook her head in disbelief, suddenly scared as he stepped towards her with the same expression mum had on her face when she was about to hurt her.

"Jasper.. please.." Tears fell down her face, stepping back again,

"Freeze! FBI!" She heard from behind her, turning around to find her team with their guns pointed towards him,

"Don't move.." She whispered to him, knowing despite tonight she couldn't bare it if he died. Not like this. He did as he was told, looking down at the ground as they walked over to the two of them.

"Sorry, I had to find him, are you okay?" Emily put an arm around the shaking woman as she stared blankly ahead of her,

"I think she is in shock, I will take her back to our room." She looked over at Hotch who nodded, staring at the two as they walked off slowly. Wondering why JJ would want to protect the man who just tried to hurt her.


	7. Safe

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Criminal Minds, if I did it would probably be a lot darker like my stories!

Chapter Seven

JJ stared blankly at the wall in front of her, refusing to move from her position on the bed, knowing all eyes were on her. She heard every single whisper but tried to pretend like she couldn't, focusing all her attention on the blank wall, counting each breath she took, trying to forget about Jasper's face earlier that night, trying to remember the protective, loving brother she had grown up with.

"JJ, do you want to talk about it?" Emily finally said, taking a deep breath as she looked at the other two people in the room with her – Reid and Morgan – shrugging her shoulders as she got no answer, the same response they had all received from the woman for the past four hours since they got back to the hotel room.

"Are you angry at us?" Morgan finally spoke up, moving a little closer to JJ but making sure he didn't get too close. Still nothing from her,

"We need backup." He whispered, turning back towards Emily and Reid, pulling out his phone before walking out of the room.

~ .. ~

"Baby girl!" JJ snapped her head up when she heard the familiar voice, it was one of the first movements she had made in a few hours and she could finally see the look on Emily's face, it was one of hurt but for once JJ didn't care. They had all betrayed her and that was all she could think about right then.

"Do you mind if I sit next to you?" JJ realized that Garcia had been briefed on her 'condition' before entering the room, she shook her head and knew that the hurt in Emily's eyes increased in that one moment, because of the one gesture.

"Maybe we should go, we will be back later." Garcia nodded, not looking at the three as they left the room,

"Honey, I know how hard this is going to be but I need you to talk to me okay?" JJ nodded, wrapping her arms tighter around her knees as she turned to stare at Garcia,

"I heard about your brother, what he did, what he could have done to you. And I know you feel betrayed by the team but it's a good thing they were there, everything could have been so much worse baby girl." She brushed a hair out of JJ's face and smiled at her friend,

"I know but I didn't want him to get caught.. I wish I never took this case." JJ admitted, her head hung low as she bit her lip, holding back the tears about to fall from her eyes,

"I know that he is your brother but sometimes we need to give up the people we love when they do bad things." JJ nodded, sniffing as she let the tears fall,

"I know but he helped me so much when I was younger and he has been through so much, he doesn't deserve to be put away in a prison."

"Maybe he can claim mental illness or something, I don't know honey, but you have to let him go okay? He killed all of those people, he was going to hurt you, and just because he's in prison, it doesn't stop you seeing him." JJ nodded,

"I don't know what happened to him, I miss the old him so much. I knew it was him as soon as Hotch and Emily did, I was so afraid of admitting it to myself though. I love him so much and he loves me too, I know he does, but something is wrong and I have known it for about one year now."

"How often do you see him?"

"He comes to see me whenever I have a break from work, mostly every two weeks." She smiled a little,

"He kept going more and more into himself, he started cutting himself again, and I even picked him up from the hospital three months ago after he took an overdose." She sighed and closed her eyes,

"Delayed reaction to our childhood I guess, we never did get help for it. I am so scared, will the same happen to me? Am I going to snap as well?" She whispered the questions, scared of Garcia's answers,

"No baby, you're different, you have us." She smiled, wrapping the shaking woman in her arms as she rubbed her back gently,

"What scared you so much about his face?" She said as they both pulled away,

"He reminded me of my mum for a second and then someone else..." JJ trailed off, her eyes watering once more as she thought back to her childhood, wishing she could just forget it all.

"Tell me." Garcia moved closer to JJ, putting her hand in hers as she waited patiently for JJ to find the words,

"My Granddad... on my mums side, I guess he – with the help of his wife – made my mum who she was, they were horrible people. I used to hate going there every weekend, it was something I hated even more than my home life. I always knew something was going to happen, I used to hate the way he would insist I sat on his knee as he bounced me up and down, the way he would kiss me on the lips even when I was four years old.. I hated everything about him." She took a deep breath,

"He would take me and Jasper into the garage on our own, and it started off just talking to us about... stuff..." She blushed a little,

"He would tell us all about sex, and we were only young.. I guess we didn't know what he was on about or we didn't care, we would just sit there and pretend to listen while we messed around. We had our own signing language thing, everyone in our house seemed to go by 'children should be seen and not heard' rule so we would sit there for ages making up silent gestures so we could still talk to each other." She blushed a deep shade of red once she realized she had gone off subject,

"Sorry, you didn't really care about that, did you?" She laughed a little, but Garcia shook her head,

"Take you time and tell me anything, even if it's not relevant. It's good to hear something about your childhood for once." JJ was grateful to have a friend like her as she smiled lightly and tried to think back to where she was,

"It got worse as we got older, he would make us touch him.. down there.." She looked away from her friend, trying to hide her own embarrassment,

"And then it carried on, we had to do more stuff to him, and then he would do stuff to us. And then when I was seven years old and Jasper was nine, he would make one of us sit there while he..." She wiped away the tears falling down her pale cheeks, her body shaking at the memory of the man she had hated so much, still hated.

"He would rape one of us while the other watched, and my mum knew... she walked in once and she took one look at what was going on, said sorry and walked back out." JJ was almost numb as she finished, she felt Garcia's arms around her in a tight embrace and she relaxed into it,

"It's all going to be okay, I promise you, this time you're going to get the help you have always needed and I, along with everyone else on the team, will be here for you whenever you want. You didn't deserve any of that JJ, nobody does. Remember, I am always here for you, even if you need to call me at two in the morning because you need a talk, I will be there in an instant. I love you baby girl, you're my best friend." Tears fell down her own face, landing on JJ's blonde hair as she held her close to her,

"I love you too." JJ whispered, closing her eyes as she finally let sleep overcome her.

_Eight year old JJ stood in the garage, her thumb in her mouth as tears fell down her face. Jasper stood next to her, looking at the man in front of them in fear. He knew what was going to happen and so did she – it was what always happened when they were there. _

_Jasper grabbed his little sisters hand as they were made to walk forward into the garage a little more, approaching the old man on the rocking chair in the middle of the cold room. _

"_Jennifer, baby, come here." He finally said, she nodded, mostly out of fear, letting go of Jasper's hand and walking slowly towards him. Jasper could do nothing but watch as the man put his hands all over the little girl, anger bubbling up inside of him as he watched him lift her up on his lap, his trousers already undone. _

_He felt sick as he watched the tears roll down her face, the smirk on the man's face grew then, showing his yellow teeth, whispering words that Jasper couldn't hear from the distance. He clenched his fists, walking over to the other side of the room, covering his ears as he heard JJ scream loudly as the pain took over her body once more. And he knew that it wasn't the first time and he knew it wouldn't be the last time. _

_JJ jumped off his lap when he was done, walking over to the other side of the room, clearly in pain as she looked up at Jasper with her big, blue eyes. He nodded in understanding, picking up the tiny girl in his arms – he was big for his age of ten but JJ had always been tiny for her age, making picking her up a lot easier. _

"_Your turn now Jasper." He sighed, wiping away his sisters tears from her face as he put her in the corner of the room, making sure she was facing the wall and told her to cover her ears and not to look anywhere but the wall in front of her. She nodded, obeying immediately, refusing to move or remove her hands from her ears as she knew the same was happening to her brother right then, she found herself wondering the same as he had just minutes ago – when was it going to end? Would it ever end?_

JJ woke up quickly, feeling the wetness on her cheeks from the tears, knowing she must have screamed out loud as Garcia and Emily came running in from the bathroom. Garcia ran up to the shaking woman, holding her in her arms as she cried into her shoulders.

"Make it go away.." She whispered, feeling Emily on her other side as her two best friends held her in their arms, and for the first time in a long time JJ actually felt safe from everything, from everyone, even her own loving brother.


	8. Comfort

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Criminal Minds, well I do, in my imagination

Chapter Eight

JJ woke up the next morning, smiling at her two friends who still held her in their arms, both watching her carefully.

"Are you okay?" Emily whispered, JJ nodded slowly, biting her lip as she thought back to last night,

"How is Jasper?" She asked, wondering what would happen to her brother now.

"He is doing okay, Hotch thinks they will have to let him go and wait for him to do something, they already know who is next on his list..."

"Dad?" Emily nodded,

"They don't really have enough to hold him for murder yet, but he fits the profile and..." Emily sighed as JJ nodded, looking away from Emily and instead back to the wall she had stared at for so long last night.

"It's going to be hard, but you can still see him when he is in prison.."

"I don't think he should be put in prison, he doesn't belong there, maybe he can plead insanity. After hearing what all those people did to us, plus Jasper has changed so much recently, he told me he was starting to have nightmares again. I should have known something was wrong but I ignored all the signs, thinking it was just a small phase in his life but..." JJ stopped when she realized she was rambling on,

"He is going to be okay though, right?" She took a deep breath as Emily smiled at her, nodding,

"Of course he is, he still has you." JJ nodded,

"He scared me so much last night, I just keep wondering if this is something that runs in the family... just.. evil." Tears fell down her face as she spoke,

"Not you JJ, you do nothing but good. Think about all the people we have saved, all those murderers we have put away. You're a good person, and I suppose Jasper would have been as well if all those things hadn't happened to you both. People react differently, and although you are both traumatized, you didn't react with more damage..."

"Yeah baby girl, you took all your pain and changed it into something good, you changed it so it could do good." Garcia spoke up for the first time, having been unsure what to say or do, deciding to leave it up to Emily.

"Thank you so much guys,"JJ smiled a little at them as more tears fell from her eyes,

"I wish you were both there when I was growing up, maybe things would have been different." Garcia squeezed her hand gently,

"I wish we were there too honey, but it's going to be okay now, we are going to help you deal with this." JJ took a deep breath, wiping away her tears before looking at the two women, her two best friends,

"I wish I could forget about everything...." Emily nodded,

"Sometimes, even the bad things make who we are as a person. And as much as it hurts to think about it, and as much as it hurts to have gone through it, it has made you who you are today."

"Do you think my grandparents are the ones who were responsible for my mothers behaviour?" Emily nodded, brushing a hair out of her own eyes,

"I guess they could have been, it could have been anything..." JJ nodded,

"I never understood when I was a child, the way she was with the man I hated so much,"She shuddered at the thought of the man who had haunted so many of her childhood memories,

"What do you mean?" Emily looked confused,

"She adored him, I would sit there glaring at him even when I was younger – I hated him so much, I just wanted him to die and when he did, I was so happy. But she, she was devastated. She knew what he was doing but it didn't stop us going there, she wouldn't ever give up going to see her beloved parents." JJ's voice was filled with disgust as she remembered it all,

"She would flirt with him and he would do the same back. She would giggle at everything he said, he would pinch her bum every time she walked past him. And she didn't care... she always seemed like she wanted him to do it, I never understood but I guess it's easier to play along when it's all you know."

"Some people who have gone through a lifetime of abuse actually do think it's normal, they even start to think they enjoy it so it doesn't seem bad. She thought he loved her, and she probably didn't see a lot of love from anyone else so she was glad for the attention. But no matter how much she was abused when she was a child, it never gives her any excuse for what she did to you and your brother." JJ nodded,

"I wish we could go back and just have a normal childhood. A happy one." Garcia nodded in understanding,

"It's all going to be okay, go back to sleep baby." She smiled at JJ, running her fingers through her hair, waiting for her to close her eyes and go back to sleep.

JJ obeyed, too tired to even argue about that, sleeping was easier though, it made everything so much easier to deal with. But it also made her remember.

_Ten year old JJ glared at her mother as they stood at the door of her grandparents house. She tried to refuse to go at home but to no avail, so that day she had decided she would tell them exactly what she thought of them. Jasper had no idea what she was going to do, and she wouldn't tell him just in case he talked her out of it. _

_She sighed as the door was opened by her tight lipped, wrinkled grandmother, _

"_I don't like you!" JJ started off, crossing her arms over her chest, determined to get away with this, _

"_You're a horrible old woman! And I hate coming here, I hate having to play with granddad and I hate having to sit there and pretend like everything is normal!" She took a deep breath as her cheeks turned red with the anger she had held in for so many years, _

"_I wish I could go to Nanny Jareau's because she loves me, and she is kind and beautiful and she lets us play other games and she does stuff with us like all the other grandmothers should do. You're not normal! And I hate you, I hate you both!" JJ stormed into the house, a determined look on her face as she found her granddad, _

"_And you! You're a dirty old man and I hate everything you do to me. I know it's not right, and if you carry on then I will tell on you!" Nobody said anything, looking at the little girl in shock, she was about to say something else as she turned towards her mother, instead falling to the ground, holding her cheek in shock as her mother slapped her hard. _

"_Say sorry!" _

"_No! I meant every single bit of it." She was so stubborn, even Jasper shook his head at her, trying to stop her, but she wasn't having any of it, _

"_You told me to always tell the truth, you said God said I had to tell the truth. And then I do and you hit me for it!" JJ finally felt the tears drip down her face, hot, burning tears that hurt as they fell from her blue eyes. She thought that maybe if she told them everything she thought of them the everything would be so much better, they would realize what they were doing to the two small children and stop it, but she had no idea how wrong she would be. _

"_She needs to be punished." Her grandmother said, grabbing JJ by the hair and dragging her towards the kitchen, grabbing a large stick and handing it over to JJ's mother, smiling as it was brought down on JJ's head. She screamed in pain, wondering where Jasper was, realizing granddad wasn't there either. She screamed for them to leave her alone as the stick was brought down on her again and again, she could feel blood dripping down her shaking body as she curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor, tears still falling down her face as she could just hear the screams from her big brother in the garage – realizing then that her mother and grandmother always heard them crying in pain from their place in the kitchen, knowing that nothing was ever going to get better, it was never going to stop. _

"_Now get in there with your granddad and your brother." Her grandmother grabbed her by the hair again, chucking her onto the cold garage floor, laughing as the door slammed. Leaving JJ alone for the first time with her granddad, she found herself wondering where Jasper was but didn't have time to ponder it for long as the man walked towards her, an evil grin on his face before pulling down his trousers and laughing at the tears falling down her face. _

JJ screamed loudly, sitting up in the bed, tears running down her face as her whole body shook. She could feel her heart pounding loudly, as her brain processed what had just happened in her nightmare. Garcia came running out of the bathroom, wrapping her in her arms and rocking back and forth, hushing her every few seconds.

"It's okay, you're safe." Garcia could feel tears finding their way down her own face as she held her weak friend in her arms, wondering if anything would get better for JJ after this case.

"It hurt so much, I thought it was real." JJ finally said as the tears stopped falling from her eyes, pulling back and wrapping her arms around her body. Garcia nodded,

"You need to eat, okay?" JJ shook her head,

"Maybe later, I feel sick." Garcia nodded, taking her in her arms once more as the tears started to fall again,

"I am always going to be here for you, you don't have to do this alone any more, we are all here for you. Never forget that." JJ wrapped her own arms around Garcia, glad for the comfort for once.


	9. Gone

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, maybe I will one day though.

Chapter Nine

Jasper walked out of the building, grinning at the thought of getting away with it, and he knew exactly who his next victim would be. He thought she had loved him, he knew for a fact he loved her, he always had. And then she betrayed him, leading him right into the hands of her beloved friends at the FBI. He shook his head, she was going to regret that. He sighed at the thought of having to cross his dad off the list for a while, knowing his time would come soon.

He took a deep breath, knowing that the FBI would be following his every move so he was going to have to be clever about this. He sighed, taking out his mobile phone and pressing the familiar number.

"Hello." He grinned when he heard her beautiful voice, his heart dropped at the sound of her voice when he realized she had been crying though, he knew his little sister too well and he knew that what happened tonight had upset her more than anything but he made a promise to himself that he was going to make everything better for the both of them.

"I need your help, please I know I have done bad things but you have to forgive me, you're all I have left. Meet me at our old meeting place, I am begging you..." He could hear her inhale deeply as she thought about it, a smile playing on his lips as she finally said yes,

"I will see you there as soon as you can get here." He whispered, turning behind him to make sure that nobody was looking as he took the small short-cut that he had grown to know well. He only hoped this would work, crossing his fingers that his Jenny wouldn't go against him again.

~ .. ~

Jennifer stared at her phone, glad that Garcia had been out of the room as it had been going on. She sighed, knowing they would probably never forgive her for going running to him – alone – after what he did but it had to be done, she had to know why. She bit her lip, looking around the room for pen and paper, running over to some when she found it.

_I am sorry, I had to do this. I have to know what happened to him, I need to know why. I know you are all going to hate me for this, but you have to understand that no matter what he had done, he is still my big brother and I love him no matter what. _

_I hope you understand and will forgive me one day, I will see you soon. I promise you that I will be okay, if I am not back in three hours though, the address will be in my diary – you will probably need my dads help with that one, just tell him we used to go there all the time when we were little. I love you all so much, speak to you soon. _

_JJ _

She took a deep breath, setting the letter down before running to the door, making sure nobody was in the corridor before running down it, determined to see her brother before he did anything else.

~ .. ~

He waited patiently for her, pacing back and forth in the large, abandoned house that they had spent most of their childhood in, hiding from their mum when she actually let them go out of the house.

He jumped a little when he heard the back door open, a familiar knocking sound on the table and he knew who it was. He smiled, knowing she would have come alone.

"Jasper?" She whispered, walking into the room and smiling as she saw him, he put his hands in his pocket as he looked at her,

"We need to get out of here." He said, walking towards her, she shook her head,

"We will stay here, or I will leave." He shook his head, grinning at her as he looked down on her,

"We are leaving now!" Grabbing her arm roughly, dragging her towards the back entrance she had come through, JJ could feel tears sting her eyes as he gripped her even tighter, pushing her a little forward of him as they headed towards the barn, over twenty five minutes away from the address she had given her friends.

"Why are you doing this?" She cried, stumbling over rocks as he hurried over to the barn, looking around him all the time, glad he had managed to lose the FBI agents he knew had been following him.

"Because I love you and no matter how much I want you, you always ignore me! You say you love me too but you don't!" JJ shook her head,

"I love you, I love you as a big brother. Please Jasper, don't do this, we have been through enough already, don't become them...." She whispered the last bit, trailing off as she noticed the anger in his eyes, both coming to a sudden halt, as he turned on her, punching her in the face causing her to fall down the ground,

"Don't you dare compare me to them!" He shouted at her, shaking his head in anger as he kicked her as hard he could in the ribs, suddenly unable to stop as soon as he started. He carried on on despite her cries of pain, kicking her harder and harder, stopping as soon as the cries stopped. He shook his head, wiping the tears from his cheeks as he looked at his little sister, laying on the ground, not moving an inch. For a minute he wondered if he had actually killed her, kneeling down next to her, crying out for her through his heavy tears, glad when he saw the rise and fall of her chest slightly.

He looked around again, glad to see nobody, no guns, no lights, nobody. He grabbed her in his arms, walking over to the barn, knowing that nobody would think to look there, not even their dad.


	10. Voices

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, however I do own Jasper!

Chapter Ten

"I don't know what to do, what do I do? No I can't take her back, I will get in more trouble, they know I did it now.. what will I do? I can't go to prison. I can't do this." JJ woke up to the sound of her brother, pacing back and forth, muttering to himself continuously.

"Jazz?" She whispered, grabbing her head in pain, trying to ignore the voices once more, remembering the first time she had heard them, knowing that something like this would have brought them back.

She cried as she thought about going back into that depressed state when the team found her, remembering her teenage years, glad her dad hadn't told Emily and Hotch the whole truth when they had asked about after the age of fifteen. She knew they would be watching her from now, they probably know, Garcia would have done a background check on both of them, and they would all know..

"Jasper, please..." She cried out, closing her eyes as if it would help her to ignore all of the voices muttering in her head, telling her how much danger she was in,

"Shut up!" He glared at her, walking to the other side of the room, continuing to talk to himself, JJ saw the gun in his hand then, knowing that she may not make it out of this alive.

"Jasper, please don't do this."

"What did I just say?" He ran over to her, his hand raised,

"I thought you loved me..I thought you were different." She shouted at, causing his hand to lower, his eyes filled with confusion,

"I do love you." He muttered, his voice suddenly softer, kneeling down as he brushed a hair out of her face,

"But I want us to be together, I did it all for you baby, now we can have a whole new life together." JJ wanted to scream as he put his lips on hers, instead she closed her eyes again, tears dripping from her closed lids as he slipped his tongue between her mouth, JJ deciding that letting him do what he wanted for now was the only ways he would see her friends again, so she sat there, shaking with fear, listening to the voices that had once comforted her when she was a little girl.


	11. Profiling

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds

Chapter Eleven

"Hotch, you're going to want to hear this." Garcia looked at the computer screen in front of her in shock, talking into the phone as quickly as she possible could, doing endless research into the Jareau family since she had gotten the phone call about JJ being missing over four hours ago.

"What?" He put her on speaker, signalling for the whole group to listen,

"JJ was admitted to a mental hospital when she was fifteen. She tried to kill herself, hence the coma, she tried to hang herself. She was severely depressed and was diagnosed with Psychotic Depression during her stay in the hospital, due to her hearing voices since she was six years old."

"The time the abuse started." Reid muttered to himself, everyone looking up at him as he went to write on the board,

"She was in the hospital for two years, trying to commit suicide three more times during her stay in there. The notes her state that she finally settled in, becoming a great student and a sports player, finally getting out when she was seventeen years old, in which time she went to stay with her Aunt. In the notes there on it says she has only had one episode since, which was before she joined the FBI and the BAU. During her episodes she is obviously depressed, her episodes last at least a year, having had five since being diagnosed. She refuses to do or say anything, won't eat, drink, has to be hospitalized during these times because of this. She tries to commit suicide more than once during that time, and hears those voices."

They all looked at the phone in shock, none of them expecting that information to be read about JJ, not their JJ.

"And to add to that, I don't think JJ knows this yet, but Jasper was diagnosed with severe schizophrenia three years ago. He hasn't picked up his subscription in a month."

"When the murders started..." Reid carried on writing on the board hurriedly,

"Hotch, find my baby girl, please.." She whispered finally,

"We will do everything we can, don't worry." He said before hanging up,

"Even if we do find her though sir, this could be a major setback in her recovery, she could have another episode..."

"Well, it's better than the alternative, isn't it?" He snapped, shaking his head at the young FBI agent before turning around to face everyone else,

"What do we do?"

"Pretend it's like another case; draw up a profile and victimology." Morgan stated, biting his lip for a moment to think, he thought of JJ like his little sister and if anything happened to her....

"Okay, so we know that they are related, and that Jasper has a demented view of their relationship, something JJ doesn't see."

"And he would do anything to make JJ his and just his,"

"Why wait all this time though?"

"Maybe he started seeing it when they were teenagers, and because she was so lonely he thought she felt the same way, when she clung to him or something – when it started getting sexual for him she was put away in a mental hospital."

"Or maybe he is the reason she was put there..." Reid put in,

"Why do you think that?" Emily looked up at him confused, JJ loved her brother, she told them he had done nothing wrong to her before this,

"Okay, you say that he may have developed his sexual feelings for her when they were in their teens, JJ was fifteen when she tried to kill herself, making him almost seventeen years old. She felt like the person she thought wouldn't hurt her had let her down, she tries to kill herself. Then having been diagnosed with Psychotic Depression, it causes people to forget certain stuff, repress it almost – Maybe JJ was forced to forget about all of that, and still see him as the brother she loved, in order to protect them both." Reid took a sharp breath before carrying on,

"And now he is off his medication it's all coming back to him, the feelings for her he can't hide any more and now he has finally cracked.." They all nodded,

"That would make more sense than her finally having enough, she told me and Garcia that her mother lay off her when Jasper was around, he was her protector... as soon as that was gone, she decided she couldn't take it any more..." Emily said just loud enough for all of them to hear,

"We need to know where they would go."

"We already looked at the address JJ had given us.." Morgan started, interrupted by Hotch,

"Morgan and Emily, go back to JJ's dads house and ask him where they would hang out when they were younger. Reid you work up the profile and get Garcia to phone me with all the locations close to that house." They all nodded, heading off in separate ways.

~ .. ~

"It's all going to be okay now," Jasper whispered as he climbed off JJ, putting his top back on before walking off, leaving her laying there crying in pain and shock at what had just happened.

"Do you remember those voices you used to hear?" He finally spoke up, turning around to watch her put her clothes back on, she nodded, not looking over him,

"I hear them too, do you still hear yours?" JJ looked up at him in fear, nodding again, turning away quickly to cower into the corner of the room.

"I can hear mine all the time, it wasn't so bad when I was on my medication but then they told me I didn't need them any more, and now look. I have you all alone now." He smiled,

"You need to take your medication." She whispered, noticing the anger flare up in his eyes as she spoke,

"You do not tell me what to do!" She knew she wouldn't be able to move in time as he came running over, kicking and punching her again. Instead she just lay there, closing her eyes and taking comfort once more in the voices she had first heard over twenty years ago. Wondering if the pain would ever end, if there was any more family out there determined to hurt her? She sighed, welcoming the darkness that overtook her.

"_Daddy.." JJ whispered as he tucked her into her bed, smiling down at her before kissing her on the forehead, _

"_I hear voices, do you hear them too?" She spoke up eagerly, hoping she wasn't the only one. _

"_No baby, I don't." Looking down at his eight year old daughter with nothing but concern in his eyes,_

"_But if you hear them again, I want you to ignore them okay?"_

"_But I like them, they help me when mummy is being mean to me and they make me almost feel happy. It's nice to have people to talk to." _

"_Don't say that, I need you to talk with real people, why don't you bring friends around here? Mix with real people, people your own age." JJ nodded, knowing she wouldn't win this argument. _

_The next morning she ran down the stairs, disappointed that her dad had left for work already,_

_  
"I heard you told your daddy all about those voices again, you freak!" She winced as her mothers perfectly manicured hands slapped her hard across the face, her fingernails just scraping her pale skin. _

"_Sorry mummy." _

"_I have told you to stop going on about them, come here, I will show you how to stop those damned voices." Grabbing the little girl by the arm, dragging her over to the bathroom sink, reaching out for some cotton wool, JJ closed her eyes in pain as they were stuffed far into her ears, running off when she was finally done. _

_It wasn't until a year later, during a doctors appointment, the cotton wool was found, _

"_You shouldn't be letting her stuff things in her ears Mrs Jareau." The doctor shook his head as he pulled them out, the girl only having been brought here because her hearing was terrible, finally finding the cause. _

"_I know, I am always telling her.."_

"_But.." JJ started, knowing there was no point in telling the truth – adults only believed adults. She had grown up repeating that to herself over and over again. _

**A/N Sorry the last chapter was so short, my friend took an OD, I was helping her with that and now she has gone to bed so I thought I would give you some more. **


	12. Scars

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds.

I really need more readers, writing is boring when nobody is reading it :(

Ah well, here it is!

Chapter Twelve

~ Scars ~

JJ looked at the man next to her, trying to stop herself from crying as she tried to distance herself from the manic depressive Jasper and the Jasper she loved. She watched, not moving, as he traced the fading scars on her hands, looking at them intently.

"Do you remember how you got these?" He looked up at her, his eyes full of nothing but love, and JJ wondered if he even had any idea what he had done to her, where they were and why. She shook her head, trying to focus on him, pretending that what had just happened was someone else and not the amazing big brother who had protected her so many times when she was younger.

"How could I forget?" She smiled at him, looking down at the scars herself, wondering what was worse – how she got them, or what Jasper had done to her?

"I heard you scream, I was too late that time and when I saw your hands I knew that I would have to protect you from then on. You were so ill afterwards, I phoned Grandma Jareau and told her what had happened, she came to pick you up and you were gone for a few months, do you remember?" He sounded so childlike, JJ just watched his every move, surprised by the sudden change in mood despite having seen it in many unsubs she had interviewed.

"It wasn't your fault though, you know that right?" He shook his head, tears falling down his face as he looked up into his sisters eyes,

"I love you so much, that shouldn't have happened to you. If I had known, I would have found a way to protect you."

"This was all mums fault, not yours Jasper. She would have done something to you, and I would have still been hurt either way."

"You screamed so loud, I thought the neighbours would come running, but they never did.. why didn't they ever help us Jenny? Why didn't anyone care?" She sighed,

"I don't know, but we're free from her now. Thanks to you, we don't have to worry about it any more." JJ tried to stop her hands from shaking as held them in his own, looking into her eyes and smiling,

"I will protect you from him as well, I will make sure he goes away soon." She nodded, knowing he was talking about the 'other' Jasper, biting her lip as he pulled away and walked over to the other side of the room leaving her to look down at her hands, almost feeling the burning pain she had felt that day so long ago.

"_I didn't do it mummy, I wouldn't steal from you!" A thirteen JJ looked up at the red faced mother in front of her, shaking her head as tears threatened to spill over. _

"_Do you know what the bible does to thieves and liars?" She shook her head, harder this time causing the tears to fall down her face, biting her lip as her mother walked off towards the cooker. Her heart stopped when her hand moved towards the switch, turning the oven on. _

"_I will teach you a lesson little girl, you will never lie to me or steal from me or anyone else again, you hear me?" JJ nodded, knowing she hadn't taken the 10p from her mums purse, wondering where Jasper was and why he didn't get accused. _

_She looked at the cooker, as the stove turned red signalling the heat and later the colour of her hands. She screamed loudly when her mum roughly grabbed her, pushing her towards the now boiling hot cooker. _

_  
"No mummy, please, please, I didn't do it. You have to believe me, I will give you the money out of my savings, don't do this mummy." She shouted, her cries falling on deaf ears as her hands were suddenly slammed down onto the cooker, she felt nothing for a second, the shock suddenly setting in as she screamed loudly in pain, looking at her already blistered hands, she wrinkled her nose at the smell of meat cooking on a barbecue as she skin turned bright red, she just stood there, her whole body shaking not even noticing Jasper run into the kitchen._

"_What happened? Are you okay Jenny Bear?" She felt him next to her but she couldn't speak, hot, large tears ran down her pale cheeks as she continued to stare at her hands, _

"_Nothing happened you stupid, little boy, get your sister to bed now!" Jasper nodded, scared of the woman in front of him as he grabbed JJ, pulling her towards the door by her waist. More tears fell down as she felt the pulsating throbs of pain run through her whole body, her face paled impossibly more as she began to feel sick and faint, the reality of the situation setting in. _

"_Come on bear, climb in." Jasper whispered to her, lifting up the covers to her bed and watching as she slipped in, trying to make sure nothing touched her hands. He watched as she closed her eyes, her whole body still shaking from pain and fear, he shook his head as he realized that his mother had gone too far this time. _

_Jasper was soon by her side after a few hours, his hand on her head, looking down at her concerned, _

"_She told me you put your hands on the cooker, but she put them on there didn't she?" She nodded slowly, wondering where her voice had gone. _

"_They look terrible, I am going to phone nan." She looked at her hands, hot tears running down her face, _

"_It really hurts Jazz." She whispered weakly, he sat on her bed as she carried on slipping in and out of a deep sleep, wondering if this was going to be it, wondering if it was over yet. _

"_I'm going to get help, I don't know what to do bear.." He whispered finally, sneaking out of her bedroom and creeping down the stairs to phone the only person he could think of that would believe them and help them. _

_It wasn't long until there was a knock in the door, arguing could be heard before two people stomped up the stairs. _

"_Oh no! My baby girl, my sweet angel." JJ opened her eyes slowly as she heard her nan, her granddad not far behind her – the only grandparents she could actually love, the only ones who had never hurt her or Jasper and had only shown love for them. _

"_Mummy hurt me." She managed to croak out, tears falling from her eyes as she looked at her grandparents. She cried out in pain as she felt her grandma's hand on top of hers, looking at her as she took a closer look at her tiny hand, _

"_Put your shoes on baby girl, it's all going to be okay from now on." JJ nodded, hoping that this would be the end. She snuggled into her granddad as he picked her up, for a moment holding back the thoughts that he was going to do the same as her other granddad, knowing that Grandpa Jareau would never hurt her. _

"_Where do you think you're going?" They all turned around as they got to the bottom of the stairs, facing her mother, _

"_I am going to call a doctor, unless you want me to call one from here and let them know exactly what happened?"  
_

"_Oh, you're all overreacting, she is going to be fine in the morning. Stupid, little girl only wants all this attention, why are you all giving her what she wants?" _

"_Mummy, you too it too far this time." Jasper shook his head, looking as his sister was taken out of the house. _

JJ sighed loudly, attracting Jasper's attention and before she knew it she was screaming out in pain as a sharp object made contact with her head.

"Do you remember when you stabbed her?" He laughed at her,

"It was the last time she attacked you, the last time you stepped foot in that house. Was the mental hospital fun?" JJ shook her head,

"You cracked, do you remember? You finally cracked after fifteen years, and you stabbed her. Shame you didn't kill her though, I finished that for you." JJ looked up at him, anger evident in her eyes, hating it when that was brought up, the voices had told her to do it, they were telling her to do it now,

"Leave me alone." She glared at him, all the fear gone as she thought about that time when she had stabbed her own mother, how good it had felt. She knew she could kill Jasper, he was never a big man, one kick would do it and then she could grab the knife...

"You could have killed her.. why didn't you?" He grinned at her,

"Because I didn't know if I could cry in front of the police or not." She remained in her position, looking up at him and glaring, she hated him so much, she hated everyone for hurting her so much, she couldn't take much more.

~ .. ~

"We found a small barn about half an hour away from the house, do you think it's worth the shot?" Morgan looked up from the map at the team, all of them nodding, it had been four hours already, the local map being hard to find.

"Come on then." They all nodded, walking out of the room, hoping that they would be able to find the agent they missed so much before it was too late.

"Right, Emily and Morgan take the back, we will go in the front way." They all nodded, running off to their positions, slowly opening the door to listen to the conversation going on between the siblings,

"You could have killed her.. why didn't you?" Emily looked at Morgan, suddenly confused, noticing the same looks on the men's faces across from her, she noticed the unusual look on JJ's face, wondering what the hell was going on,

"Because I didn't know if I could cry in front of the police or not." Her voice didn't even show any signs of remorse,

"That's why they wouldn't talk to us about her being admitted to the mental hospital, everyone kept her nearly killing her mum a big secret..." Reid whispered to Hotch, shocked at how much JJ had changed in the few hours since they had all seen her last.

"I would have taken the wrap for you..." Jasper looked down at her, almost crying,

"What? And let you have all the glory for my work? Just because I had the guts to kill her, just because I finally snapped."

"You didn't do anything, that's why they locked you up in that place. Those little voices in your head finally came out.." Emily noticed then how different JJ's voice sounded,

"She is having some sort of episode, JJ is in there somewhere Morgan, I am sure she will come back to us when we get her out of here... she is going to be okay." He nodded, both unsure of what to do, following Hotch as he ran into the clearing with his gun held high. Emily kept her eye on JJ, shocked at the darkness of her eyes. She started to walk towards her carefully once Jasper was on the floor, smiling as she saw the familiar blue return to the blondes eyes.

"I am so sorry." She whispered, grabbing her head with her hands, trying to block out the voices,

"I never meant to hurt her, they made me do it... please you have to believe me." Emily nodded, looking up at everyone as she wrapped her arms around the shaking woman,

"Make them go away, I want them to go away." JJ whispered, tears falling down her face,

"They will, I promise that you will be okay soon. We will make sure of that." JJ nodded,

"Hotch?" She suddenly felt the need to have the man beside her, surprising even herself, he nodded, understanding as Emily stood up and walked away a little to let Hotch talk to JJ. They all watched as he wrapped his arms around her, her shaking body immediately stopping as she felt the comfort she so obviously craved from the older man.


	13. Love

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds

Chapter Thirteen

~ Voices ~

Garcia and Emily looked at the girl laying the bed, she looked so small and fragile, surrounded by tubes as her eyes stayed open, just looking at the white ceiling above her, refusing to fall asleep.

"How do we help her out of this?" Garcia whispered, shaking her head as she tried to hold back her tears,

"I don't know. I called her doctor, the one who deals with her during her episodes. She is on her way here, she should be here soon." Emily couldn't take her eyes off JJ, she was almost the same colour as the white, hospital sheets that covered her up. The bruises and cuts on her face stood out, as though they were showing every ounce of pain and hurt she had been through. Her usually blue eyes were dull as she tried to hold back the sleep that so desperately needed to claim her.

"She has us, we're all like family. That may be enough to get her through." Garcia stated, looking behind her towards the men,

"Hotch, she trusts you... she loves you." Garcia knew that in normal circumstances JJ would kill her for telling Hotch the private things they discussed, but she knew that if JJ were to get better then she would need someone to help her through it – someone more than her best friends.

"She does?" Everyone heard the hope in his voice, the small glitter in his eyes, and they knew that he felt the same.

"She needs you." He nodded, taking a deep breath before walking over to her room.

~ .. ~

JJ sighed deeply as she tried to block out the voices, despite her usual medication during one of these episodes, they were still there, screaming at her. She shook her head, biting her lip to hold back the tears threatening to spill over. She wouldn't let them do this, she had a life, a good life. She wouldn't let Jasper or anyone else ruin that.

She jumped as she heard someone walk into the room, looking up to see Hotch slowly walk towards her, looking nervous.

"JJ, is it okay if I sit with you for a while?" She nodded, not taking her eyes off him as he sat in the chair next to her bed, hesitating before reaching out for her hand.

"I love you." He whispered, not looking at her, hating to have to admit his feelings for the blonde first.

"You do?"

"Yes, more than anything. I wish I had said it before, but it's better now than never." She nodded,

"I love you too." She tried to smile, tears pouring down her face instead as she squeezed his hand,

"I don't want to do this again, I don't want to have another episode. I can't do it again."

"How do you feel when you are having one?"

"I don't know... just... numb. I just want to die, it's like nothing is ever going to get better and as much as I wish it will, it doesn't matter."

"What about this time?"

"I am laying here thinking about all the good things I have, hoping that for once it will be enough."

"When was the first time you felt like this?" She shook her head,

"My mum slammed my hands down on the boiling cooker once, I remember being taken away from her for the first time ever. People believed me and it was an amazing feeling, but despite everything being okay for a while, I just became more and more depressed, I just wanted to die. It was like, my mummy hated me and I didn't know what I had done wrong. I was only thirteen, I didn't understand." She took a deep breath,

"I just wanted to forget everything that had ever happened to me, and when I was out of the mental hospital I made a new start. I went to university, I got a job. I met you and everyone else... life was good and then I had to take this stupid case." She groaned,

"You know what stopped me from killing myself when I was younger?" Hotch shook his head,

"Mum told me I was an evil child, and when I died I would burn in hell for all eternity. I didn't want to burn, after knowing what it felt like.. I was too scared to even kill myself."

"I am glad you didn't, I don't know what I would do without you. And the team, they all love you so much as well." Hotch gripped her hand a little tighter, hating to see the usually strong agent so weak.

"I am kind of glad I didn't as well." She smiled, looking up at him,

"I never had any friends when I was younger, I was too shy, I was too weird." She shook her head, remembering her younger years,

"But when my nan took me in after what my mother did, I met this girl and she was my first friend, my best friend, and it brought me out of my depression. It's amazing what friends can do. But you guys, you're more than friends, you're my family and I just want it to be enough."

"I was away from home for almost six months, it felt so good but then I had to go back, I hated it so much. She ignored me at first, I was kind of glad and Jasper would just hover around me so she couldn't lash out or anything. He was an amazing big brother, I guess our childhood finally caught up with him."

"He is fine when he takes his medication, I don't know what happened before. He shouldn't have been off them, he will probably be taken into a mental asylum for the rest of his life." Hotch said, refusing to tear his eyes from the beautiful woman in front of him,

"Good, he needs help." She whispered,

"Go to sleep okay? You're tired."

"Are you going to leave me?"

"No, I won't let go of your hand." He put a hand on her forehead, smoothing her hair out of her face,

"Thank you." She said as she closed her eyes, finally feeling safe from everything.

"_Mummy misses you darling." JJ looked up at her dad and shook her head, tears fell from her eyes as she stared at him and then looked at her grandparents, _

"_No, you can't make me go back there. You promised me!" _

_  
"She is your mother baby, I can't do anything to stop her." _

"_She don't like me, she doesn't want me. I can just stay here." She looked up at her nan again, watching as she shook her head as tears ran from her eyes as well, _

"_I am so sorry." JJ nodded, realizing that there would be nobody to help her now as she stood up and took her dads hand. _

"_Bye." She muttered, not turning around as she heard her nan's sobs._

_~ .. ~_

_She had been home for two weeks before her mother even spoke to her, she was glad for the peace, Jasper's non stop protecting her made her feel safe even though he was no match for her mother when she was angry. _

_  
"We should put you on a diet, you're so fat. Then again, won't make you pretty." JJ looked up from her mirror, not realizing her mother had been standing there all along, _

"_Yes mummy." She whispered, looking back at her reflection as tears fell down her face, why couldn't she be perfect just like her?_

JJ quickly woke up, looking to the side of her, smiling as she saw that Hotch was still there.

"How do you feel JJ?" She looked up at the familiar voice of the doctor that had been treating her for years,

"A bit better I guess, I just keep thinking about mum all the time." She shuddered, trying to sit up, grateful when Hotch stood up to help her.

"The voices?" JJ bit her lip as she thought for a moment,

"They are nearly gone." She grinned, she would have laughed if the situation hadn't been so scary.

"That's a good sign." She smiled, walking over to JJ's bedside,

"You know that keeping it all inside is the worst thing to do, I am glad you have your friends to talk to, make sure you do okay?" JJ nodded,

"And I will be putting you back on your medication for a while, just in case. You will need about two months off work." She sighed, knowing better than to argue with her,

"Fine." She muttered, refusing to let go of Hotch's hand, hoping he didn't mind.

"I am going to talk to the nurses to make sure they know what is going on." JJ nodded as she watched her walk out, turning her attention back to Hotch.

"I haven't had one episode in eight years, I don't think I will be having one again for a long time."

"I hope not, I hate to see you like this."

"I used to wish I had never been born, she used to make me hate myself so much and I believed her and the voices were the only things that told me any different and now that I have you guys, I don't feel the need for them. Don't get me wrong, I never missed them. But it was hard without them at first, but then I got into the BAU and I felt happy for one of the first times in my life." She looked down as Hotch got up again, this time to kiss her gently on the lips, smiling at her,

"You have always had that ability to make me feel different." He said after a few minutes of silence between the two,

"Is that a good thing?" She raised one eyebrow, grinning at him,

"Yes, a very good thing. I don't feel nervous admitting my feelings to you any more, and if anyone has been able to make me smile, it's always been you." She blushed as he lifted her head up to look at him,

"Tell me a memory, the first one that comes to your head about Jasper."

"Why?"

"You heard your doctor, it does you good. I want to understand more." She nodded, thinking for a moment,

"Just before I turned fourteen, and Jasper was sixteen, he started playing up." She laughed bitterly,

"I remember whispering to him to stop it, I knew better than to go against her but he was doing everything on purpose to wind her up. He would leave mess on the floor, that was her pet hate. She would shout at him, telling him to pick it up, and he would just sit there and tell her that if it annoyed her so much she should do it herself." She sighed,

"I kept warning him to stop it, I didn't want anything to happen to him. And then one day, he was being really annoying, he dropped his school bag on the floor and left it there, refusing to pick it up and then he told mum that she couldn't cook. And then before I knew it there was a kitchen knife heading his way, I screamed for him to watch out and he turned around, moving away just in time. It landed a cm away from his head, embedded into the wall. He had a large cut on his shoulder though, and I was so scared because I told him not to do it!" She felt warm tears run down her face as she gripped the sheets with her spare hand, finally Hotch let go of her hand and brought the now shaking woman into his arms, rubbing her back softly, whispering words of comfort into her ears.

"He was the only one who ever protected me and I didn't want anything to ever happen to him. I was so scared, I thought he was going to die." She sobbed, clinging onto his shirt tightly as she cried,

"It's all going to be okay, I wish I could go back and make sure none of it happened to you, I wish I could protect you from it all. But I promise you that nobody is ever going to hurt you again, I won't even give them the chance." She smiled through her tears, glad for the protection from him and everyone else.

"And I think Morgan is enjoying the role of protective big brother too much to even let anyone in the door." He laughed, shaking his head,

"He asked your doctor for proof of ID." He grinned when he heard JJ laugh,

"Really?" He nodded,

"And he is making sure that everyone who comes in here has a real reason." He heard her laugh again,

"I am glad he let you in." She whispered,

"Can you...?" She shook her head, blushing as he pulled away to look at her,

"Never mind, it's stupid."

"What? Anything for you." She laughed,

"Would you mind holding me for a while.. until I fall asleep." He nodded, smiling as she slowly moved over in the hospital bed, leaving a large space for him to lay in.

"Who would have thought the first time I would be laying next to you would be in a single bed?" He smiled, wrapping his arms around her, his heart beating quicker as she moved over to put her head on his chest.

"Thank you." She whispered before closing her eyes and falling into a peaceful sleep, Hotch nodding as he did the same.


	14. Granddad

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds

I would like to thank '**Lucie'** for the beginning idea =]

Chapter Fourteen

~ Grandpa ~

Emily and Reid walked down the hospital hallway with everyone's coffee. They hadn't wanted to disturb Hotch, and Morgan wouldn't move away from JJ's door. Garcia was too tired – having got no sleep since she had discovered JJ had gone missing.

"Look!" Garcia squealed as they both walked up to them, shrugging at each other. They noticed Garcia was pointing at the small window that allowed them to see into the room,

"Look at them both! This is so exciting, I have to take a photograph." Garcia clapped her hands together, just grinning at her team mates as they stared at her shaking their heads.

"I have to show Kevin." She said as she got out her camera,

"You take a camera around with you?" Morgan raised an eyebrow, still not moving from the door to see whatever was going on,

"All the time. You never know what is going to happen." Emily laughed, knowing that if anyone would do that it would be Garcia.

"Maybe she just wanted him to comfort her. She was upset." Reid shrugged, looking at the scene before him, happy for his two friends in the other room.

"He didn't have to stay there though, she fell asleep quickly and he just lay there with her until he fell asleep as well. Don't they make a cute couple? Oh, I can't wait to send this to my baby." She grinned, admiring the photograph she had just taken, running over to show Morgan as Emily and Reid stood by the window to stare at the two.

"He can make her happy." Emily whispered,

"And she can do the same to him, he is different around her, more open and he smiles when she is there." Reid smiled at Emily, who nodded slowly.

"As long as Strauss doesn't find out, I won't be reporting them any time soon if they do decide to make something out of it."

"I don't think any of us would do that to them."

"We have a mummy and daddy!" They both burst out laughing as Garcia came bounding towards them again, grinning from ear to ear at her own outburst.

"Don't let JJ hear you say that. She is ten years younger than me."

~ .. ~

"_Mummy I don't like going there, please can't I just stay home for once? I am a big girl now." Nine year old JJ looked up at her mum, tears glazing her blue eyes as they all got ready to visit her mums parents, _

"_I don't care, dad is happy when he sees you and he is an old man, be nice to him for once." Her mother snapped at her, shaking her head, not noticing the look Jasper and JJ shared at the thought of the old man her mother seemed to love so much. _

_They both held hands as they pulled up at the house, the gloom seemed to emit from the whole building. It was a huge house, and Jasper and JJ had always longed to run around the massive hallways, playing tag or hide and seek. But then the rule of children being seen and not heard was always at play in that house. _

_JJ had always hated it, even before she knew what a monster her granddad was. The old manor house had a darkness around it, it was all alone – at least twenty minutes from any civilisation. _

_The gardens were never tended to like they were and Grandpa Jareau's, he had retired so all he did was spend time on the farm and in his garden, showing JJ and Jasper how to feed the animals or how to grow certain vegetables. He was a nice old man, she didn't mind making him happy, mostly because making him happy involved her smiling, or feeding the lambs with him, or baking him cookies and telling him he could have the very first one. He didn't make her do stuff she didn't want to. _

_She stared at the broken path, wondering if they were the only visitors that ever walked up here, or entered that large, dark green door. She continued to grip Jasper's hand in her own, her little hand shaking as they got closer and closer to the house she hated so much. _

_They entered in silence, making their way into the kitchen to see their granddad sitting there and waiting for them already. JJ hated him even more recently, up until now it had always been her and Jasper but now he was taking a large interest in just her. She let go of Jasper's hand when told and walked over to her granddad, knowing better than to ignore commands from her mother. _

_She looked at Jasper as the old man took her hand and led her upstairs, _

"_Me and my little girl here are going to have some special time." He said to everyone else as they carried on walking upstairs, finally landing in a small room with one chair by a curtained window. _

_  
"I wish you would be my friend Jenny." She gulped as he sat down, still holding onto her clammy hand. _

"_I will be." She whispered, wondering if that was the answer he wanted, wondering if she could go back down with everyone else now. _

"_Then you will play with me? Just me and you?" _

"_What do you want to play?" She looked up at him timidly, clinging onto her summer dress in some attempt to stop anything that could happen to it. _

"_I will show you, this game makes me very happy." He grinned at her, pulling down his pants, never breaking eye contact with her as he slowly moved her hand towards him, _

"_I don't want to play, please." She whispered, tears dripping down her face. Jumping away when she heard the door open, finally thinking someone would stop it, _

"_Not in here." She looked at her grandmother, shocked, as she walked in, grabbed a towel and shook her head at the two before walking out. _

JJ quickly woke up, sitting up and looking around as tears fell from her eyes. Before she knew it Hotch was awake with his arms around her, telling her to lay back down.

She sighed as her head hit the pillow again, smiling at Hotch as he wiped away some of her tears, only for more to fall.

"What did you dream about?"

"It doesn't matter." She shrugged, refusing to meet his eye as he turned her head to face him.

"Tell me, you can trust me." He whispered, running his hand down her shaking body to reach her hand and take it in his his, she nodded as he lifted her hand up to his chest, letting her hand rest there with his on top as he carried on staring into her eyes.

"It was about my granddad." She whispered, her fingers curling around his shirt, hoping he would get the hint so she wouldn't have to say those words.

"What about him?" She sighed, he hadn't understood, or he had and wanted her to say it.

"He did stuff to me and Jasper... please don't make me say it." He nodded, wrapping one arm around her waist to pull her closer,

"I won't make you say anything you don't want to, but at the end of the day it's just three words, three words that could help you move on." She nodded, taking a deep breath,

"He raped me." She mumbled, blushing as she said it, shocked as she looked into Hotch's face to see not pity, not shame, not hate but just love and trust.

"You don't hate me? You don't think I am dirty?" He shook his head,

"I would never think that about you, it wasn't your fault. Don't punish yourself for someone else's sick mind." She nodded, biting her lip,

"My grandmother walked in once, I thought it was normal up until people talked about it in school when I was about fourteen. My grandmother had just told us to do it somewhere else, she hadn't helped me so I thought all little girls did it. Then someone in school had the same happen to them, and I told the teacher that I thought it happened to all little girls and the next thing I knew I didn't go to his house any more and it was never spoken about."

"It should never have happened to you, you're so amazing and beautiful. I just wish I could make it all better, we all do." He briefly turned, glad the team were no longer watching from the window,

"He ruined everything, I started avoiding being alone with my other granddad, when I went there I could see the hurt in his eyes when I refused to feed the lambs with him. It would have broken my heart if he asked me to play with him, I loved him so much." Hotch nodded,

"I am sure he understands."

"He did, when it all came out. He took me aside and told me now he realized why I stopped spending time on my own with him. He told me that no matter what he would never hurt me, nothing would make him do that and he would die if he even thought about it. It went back to normal then, I started seeing him as the granddad I wanted to see, rather than the evil old man who might make me do stuff."

"It's all going to be okay now, I will make sure you're safe." Hotch brushed a hair out of her face, smiling at her, as she nodded.

"It hurt so much." She sobbed, her fingers gripping his shirt even tighter as he pulled her in so her head was on his chest,

"I was so young the first time, but I knew it was wrong. I just wanted someone to tell me it was wrong, you know?" Hotch nodded, not saying anything, glad that JJ trusted him enough to tell him all of this, knowing how hard it must be for her,

"When I tried to pull away he would slap me hard across the face and then the first time he.. he did that, I was bleeding and he told me it was normal and before I knew it my mum was at the door, taking my hand to put me in the bath. She knew, she knew all along and she never helped me. She hated me that much..."

"The same probably happened to her, even though she was a grown woman then she probably thought it was right, it was normal."

"I tried to fight him off once, but it backfired. I punched him in the face, but it made things a lot worse. He knocked me to the ground, ripping my brand new dress that I had loved so much. And then he beat me with his belt, and then when he... did that to me.. I passed out and when I woke up mum was standing over me, telling me to stop being a naughty girl and just do as I was told." She took a deep breath,

"Every single time I would go there, he would look at me and tell me he loved me more and more when he did that to me, I hated him so much and I hated _her_ even more for letting him do it to me."

"It was a horrible thing that happened to you JJ, and nobody can you tell you why but I just want you to know, that no matter what happened, none of it was your fault, none of it was because of you. Some people are evil, and there is no other way to put it, but they are and no matter who or what they are hurting, they don't care." JJ nodded, trying to understand her mums actions back then, still only coming up with one reason.

**She hated me. **


	15. The End

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds

Chapter Fifteen

~ Freezing ~

JJ was happy to finally be in her own bed, it seemed so long ago that she was actually in her own home. She was also glad that Hotch had decided to stay with her, although she wouldn't admit that to him, not yet anyway.

She sighed as her head hit the pillow, wanting him to be close like he had been for the past four nights. He lay in the other room, wanting to be as close to her as he possibly could wanting to be able to hold her when she woke up from another nightmare, wanting to wipe away those tears that so often found their way down her beautiful face. That was why he was glad when she called his name, that is why he ran all the way to her room, grinning at her as she asked him to lay with her,

"I can't sleep." She admitted, biting her lip as she tried once more to try and sleep,

"Tell me one happy memory you have." He said, smiling at her as he held her in his arms,

"I remember when my grandmother would take me out for the weekend, she would take me out shopping and then she would treat me to milkshake afterwards. I loved her so much, she was the one I would run to when things got too much. She was the only one who understood and she was the first one who believed me, I was closer to her than I was my own mother." She smiled, picking up the photograph on her bedside table, Hotch smiled at it as she pointed at the older woman in the photograph,

"That's her, and this is my grandpa..." She hesitated for a moment,

"The nice one.." She whispered, smiling down at him,

"And the little girl is you?" She laughed,

"Little? I was fourteen when this was taken." Hotch was shocked, the girl in the photograph looked no older than nine, she was tiny in both height and width.

"I was small for my age, mum put me on a diet when I was thirteen and I lost a lot of weight, I stopped growing as well. And then when they put me away in that hospital, I just shot up." She smiled, looking at the sad smile she had on her face back then,

"The only time I was truly happy was when I was with them, and even then it hurt to see what my life could be like. I just wanted my mother to be like all the other mums I saw pick up their children from school, I wanted her to love me and back then I would have done anything to make her happy. Even after everything, I just wanted her to be proud of me but nothing ever seemed to work." Hotch nodded, understanding the abuse from the parents more than anything, he knew that JJ could see the connection as well.

"How did you feel when you finally got out of there?" She whispered as though she read his mind,

"I was happy, I was disappointed though.."

"Why?"

"Because I never had the guts to tell them that what they did to me hurt me and it was wrong, I never stood up for myself." She nodded,

"I felt happy when I left, but I was upset that I let myself lower to her level. But when I stabbed her, it felt so good... it felt like I had finally got the guts to do something about it for the first time in my whole life and I wanted her to die more than anything..."

"I wish I could have done that sometimes." He whispered, grabbing her hand as he finally spoke up about his own feelings back then,

"No, you don't. It was horrible, dealing with the pain of what I had done afterwards. I knew it made me like her and I had tried so hard to not become her."

"She pushed you to it, never blame yourself for what you did."

"How can you excuse what I did while my brother is sitting in a jail cell after murdering her?"

"Because you were sorry after it, you didn't kill her, and it was self defence. Your brother is not sorry for what he did at all, he is glad about what he did." She nodded,

"I guess."

"Your mother was so stupid, anyone can see what a beautiful, amazing, intelligent woman you have turned out to be despite her constant abuse. You broke the cycle JJ, you did it." She looked up at him, believing every single word he said for the first time in her life,

"You promise?" He nodded, kissing her gently on the lips,

"I promise and that's why... why..." He stuttered, taking a deep breath as he tried to find the words,

"That's why I love you." He whispered, kissing her on the lips again, looking into her eyes as they both pulled apart,

"I love you too." She whispered, wrapping herself in his arms as she closed her eyes, her arms around his waist as she thought about his words. She knew that this was going to be a long, long journey to recovery but this was the first step. She knew Hotch would be there with her every step of the way, and in that moment she wouldn't ask for anything else.

**~ The End ~ **

**Yeah, crap ending but I have so many stories up at the moment that I had to end this one at some point. Thank you for reading, please review and tell me what you thought of the crap ending! **

**Thank you once more. **


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